Merry Christmas

It's Christmas.. Looking around I am alone.. yet again.. Funny how that works. Having my Christmas in a week or two. My dream was always to have a christmas with my kids waking me up on Christmas morning. I have one kid so far but she's with her Dad this year. I miss her so much.

I hope whoever is reading this is with the people they love. Merry Christmas out there, may all your holiday hopes and wishes come true.

memories

You know.. as much as I have gone through for the past... 14 years... it really is nothing compared to what i missed way back then. I was just checking out an old friends pictures. And came across some pictures from when we were in high school. This girl and i were really close friends.. yet i am not in one of the photos .. which isn't really that new but yeah.. because things started the way they did i missed out on so many memories.. like my graduation.. I had to graduate late. and i never got to do the whole graduation thing. And am I bitter.. yes a little bit. but don't i ave a right to be? I missed graduating with my friends.. not to mention becoming involved in things i loved and things that might have changed some outcomes. i know i am happy where i am now but yes there is and always will be some resentment for what was missed. to all those who relied on me back then I apologize and wish nothing but happiness for you and yours.

Christmas

It's strange.. I have my mother back in my life.. I have a new sister who i talk to... still haven't met her in person but she's there. I have other sisters. I have family and friends in my life.. I have my boo.. and yet here is Christmas again and yet again i find myself slipping into that hole that grows everytime this season.. Maybe because i am not lookin foreward to spending yet another christmas by myself.. but i know i have all this around me.. my mood is worse then when i am pmsing... which is bad trust me.. I hear myself being stupid. saying some stupid harmful things and i just can't stop it. i feel bad after they're said. I will get past this feeling .. i know i will there are so many things to look foreward to.. Like spending a whole week with my boo.. just me and her.. its been a long time.. and then my mom commin down for some girls time. just me her and my boo. being able to something i didn't have growing up.. which is great. and i eel lucky i will be able to do these things wit my daughter. some people don't get it.. or take such a thing for granted.. and who knows.. boo may take it for granted as she grows up.. but i wouldn't trade the time for anything in the world. I love my family and i hope that in this time of year they can find the patience to forgive my idiocy...

Male Memories

I was up thinking last night and I realized its been over 10 years since Brad died. It got me thinking of all the other men in my life.

It all started with a guy I didn't even like. I hate to say it but its true. A friend of mine talked me into "going out" with this older guy when I was in the 8th grade. I think he was about 2 or 3 years older then me. He was in the high school next to my school. I gave him a chance though.. really tried to see the good and for about a week it was fine .. He was a great sketch artist. His was the first anime I had ever seen drawn. It impressed me.. but then.. he told me about how his wall had a hole in it. The hole peeked into his brothers room (his brother was in my class) and he liked to watch his brother making out with his girlfriends. The most clear picture I have is him kissing me and me running home to wash out my mouth. I broke up with him through a note i sent via a friend of his. I was hated by a few guys in my class after that. Apparently the guy had locked himself in his room and cried for two days. Not sure if i truly believe that.. but it still made me feel bad.

Next was a guy from Cadets. I wasn't in cadets very long but there was a guy that asked me out and we were together for maybe 3 weeks. I don't remember him much since cadets was pretty much a day or two a week and then there was the whole.. cadets thing.. heh.. Either way he was a good guy ... Come to think about it I don't think we ever broke up.

The next one was one of 2 I will be with but I really want to be with *him* situations. The first one turned out to be my "first" but that came way after we had broken up and became friends. He was the school's playboy.. Not too popular but he was really into becoming a model. I believe there was one ad he did model for. But either way he was the type where he had multiple girlfriends and I knew it.. There were a few girls he made them think they were the only ones.. But to me he was always honest. Not that thats necessarily a good relationship detail but we were good friends. It never really bothered me because it was his friend I was more interested in. But sadly I never got together with the friend.

And TADA the next one is the second I will be with but I really want to be with *him* situation. There were two guys I hung out with. One was 2 years younger and the other 3 years younger then me.. Which yes I know its not that big a deal these days but lets just say I was young as it was. I started seeing the 3 year younger one because he had called me to find out if i liked him. Which i didn't think he was bad.. so silly me said yes. When we were alone or with the other friend. He was sweet calm and just a good guy.. But when he was around younger kids or a large group he was rowdy and very immature. One time we were playing basketball and he grabbed himself and started running around shouting "release the beast" it was very embarrassing and I broke up with him shortly after. He didn't take it well and ended up egging my house. ....

After him it was kind of back with the model.. This is were he ended up being my first. Mistake... we still talked for years afterwards. Up until about 4 - 5 years ago.

That was the year I left home. I moved in with a best friend.. (which turned out to be a huge mistake for many reasons and some dark secrets) I had a few dates with a few guys but nothing really came of them. One even left the place we had met when I started talking to a friend of his. When my friend had gone away and I had to get out of the house. I met Brad. Brad was a great guy. Easy to get along with, fun, smart, sweet. He came from a good family he was studying to be an accountant. He was the first computer geek I ever met let alone dated. He was a well built guy and i felt safe with him.. until he had me walking home at 1 - 2 am. Which wasn't so bad cause it gave me an excuse to avoid certain people at my friends house. But one day I found a letter from a girl who said she couldn't wait to get back to see him. Then a friend of mine told me he was cheating on me and I got angry. I dumped him and did a few "twists" to his BBS profile. A few days later we talked about getting back together after learning the truth on how the girl was just a friend and had already returned and was dating someone else. I felt bad.. and he forgave me.. We just never got together again.. Brad was killed a year or two later. He hadn't dated anyone else but had gotten into drugs and alcohol and was in a car wreck. To this day I still ask what if.. and blame myself a little. But he will always have a spot in my memories.

The next was another friend convincing me to get with someone.. It was a few weeks after dumping Brad. I didn't want to date this new friend.. but i ended up giving in. He reminded me of a cousin of mine so I was a little turned off. And so when I met the next guy I didn't even pause before going out with him.

and for the next 4 and a half years.. I loved this man.. ok i still do but not in the same way. After 4.5 years I saw he was happier spending time with another girl. So I left him so he could be free.. He took it hard and asked me to reconsider after 6 mths. But I knew it wouldn't happen. And sure enough 6 mths later he was married to the other girl. Today they have been married for almost 10 years I think. He has a son and I am happy for him.

That is when I met Boo's dad. I was with him for 6 and a half years. Content to live with him hiding in his room forever. The only good thing that came from that relationship was Boo.

The reason I did this post was because I needed it for myself...

Trust

You know.. back a while ago people trusted other people.. Children trusted their parents. Friends trusted their friends. Family always thought they could rely on family...

But the truth is the mistrust has always been there... Just hidden... For instance when a child learns that the tooth fairy is not real. They sort of grow out of it.. but sometimes the lies parents and families tell are just unbelievable.. they are just too... logical for kids to even consider they are being lied to. Children even adult ones still get lied to. For instance when an estranged parent tries to convince their child that they want to be involved in their life.. That nothing matters more to them. Then either that parent disappears or you get to see them maybe once or twice a year.

Nothing in this world is more aggravating to a child to find out that not only has been lied to all his/her life but the truth is all that much more painful. The child was not wanted in the first place.. Thats fine and dandy to start off with... but to have the salt to the wound of the parent insisting to want to be in that childs life then leaving once more...

I want my daughter to trust me and to trust people around her and to know that she can trust those people... who she should trust. her friends.. her family.. people who want to be there to protect her. I don't want my daughter to grow up to be one of those snooty mistrusting cynical kids out there.

And i know that its the same with any mother to any child out there.. well I guess not any mother.. cause yes there are women out there who have deserted and abandoned their children. and some aren't as ready to be mothers as some men aren't ready to be fathers.. which that parent might not ever grow out of..

I think being a mother to me is loving your child unconditionally, being there for that child no matter the consequences or whether they are right or wrong. I am not talking coddling just being there.. Not saying not to punish.. cause yes if something wrong has happened there should always be a punishment.. but the child should always know that even though they are being punished they are still loved.

Now a days there are mothers who freak out if their child gets dirty or hurt. back when we were kids most of us were told to walk it off.. and how many of us at one point or another got sprayed down with a hose... Skin is there for a reason. To help protect.. if your child is kept sanitized... they will become sick more often due to lack of immunities. but there is a limit to how dirty a child should be. But never underestimate the power of a good hosing. ;)

another thought...

Well learnt something really specific about my daughter yesterday.

When a child is afraid of objects that move and make noise.... ease them into 3D movies.

heh.. opps... But on the bright side she did adjust to it after screaming and crying saying she wanted to go home.. By the end of the movie she was in great spirits.

BTW

Tangled is a great movie.. some violence which is quickly covered by some comedy.

A question for you parents out there.

How do you stop a kid from getting up 4 - 5 times a night? I have been told that boo only has bad dreams. She apparently has no good dreams. I think she just remembers the bad ones more. But yes wither way.. she gets up alot to come wake me up ... she's fine when i put her back to bed but 5 min to an hour later she's back. and when the sun starts coming up... good luck putting her down at all.

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On another note.

Had to recently make my facebook profile more private. I recently received two letters from two different men asking me for details about myself and saying they thought i was beautiful and really laying it on thick. Kind of creeped me out. As far as I understand it Facebook is not a dating service.. yes its fine if you want to talk but there is a line that you just don't cross. It's strange though. How even over a computer screen a person might not feel totally safe.

5 years

5 years... Its almost unbelievable that its been just 5 years or even thats its been 5 years. If your my age you look at it as nothing but when you have a child and watch how they grow within 5 years its ... indescribable.

5 years ago today i went into the hospital to be induced. 3 days later at 7:30 am I went into labour. 30 minutes after that my booga was born.

Over the years my pride for my clever, silly monkey has not wavered and has grown, from the time she mooned the doctor during an ultrasound til today when she told a little girl proudly that she was turning 5 on wed.
although her sense of humor is pretty much .... insane. she does love to make people laugh and smile.

I could have never imagined a better person then the sweet, caring, kind, generous, crazy little girl I get to call my daughter.

Sappy I know. But ya know what i say to that? :P ppbbbbbbbttttt

I just feel sorry for the people who could be in her life but chose not to.
Your missing out.

Trust me!

Back once more!

Not sure who sees this but.. Tada... I'm back!!!
Scary thought I know.
Now living in Kanata.. Loving my area. surrounded by woods and.. *gasp* people who care about where they live.
It's shameful how many people just really don't give a crip anymore. About where they live, how they act, and how they treat other people.
but for now... thats all behind me.. and yes i said for now.. who knows what will happen with the way people are not caring anymore.
Boo is back in school and back into the same class. (last year jr... this year sr) it can be a good thing and a bad.. first off she could be learning the same things she did last year and in turn it sinks in more... or she could be learning the same thing.. which might not prepare her as much for the 1st grade as say a straight sr class could do.
another benefit is i know the teacher and she knows me. she also knows boo. which could benefit her in the long run. but might confuse her next year when her teacher of 2 years is no longer her teacher.
mind you with all the changes (moving, starting a new school level, and starting speech theropy, and all her friends transferring to new classes) having some stability is a good thing.

Yes i know i am babbling.. it's been a while.
On a bright side... the lice season for this year has seemed to have been cut short! YAY!

time to work on my stories....
:D yeee.....

Stay safe

Question

So I have a question. What do you do if your life just keeps turning round and round in the same circle? mind you my "circle has turned into a spiral... it just keeps rounding back to the same ole issues. What are those issues? Same thing almost everyone has.. Money... or rather lack of.. Worrying about what will happen next month or the month after that. Worrying about what will happen if things fall through.. keep feeling like i am jinxing myself.. Yes admittedly do sometimes work out.. but .. gah i don wanna jinx myself with this but... more often then naught i am over stressed cause things fall through.

So whats the next step? Whats out there that unloads the stress... It's gotta be affordable of course... so any ideas... feel free to comment... PUH LEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Jobs

Nothing makes me angrier then seeing someone in a job I am more then qualified for ... goofing off..

I am in admin. Mostly secretarial or receptionist but anyway you get the point.

I go to places or hear of friends and family going to places and the people at the main desk are not around or they are doing their own thing. Such as blatantly ignoring the person to talk to "Tonny" about what they should do this weekend or where they should go that night. .. Yes yes I know it is important to find out about these sort of things but there is a certain office ... image you must uphold... as in "help" the "customers, clients, whatnot" FIRST

then when things are slow ... and yes every desk i have seen does have at least one slow moment a day. Even if you have to wait till your break or lunch.... "GASP" no way......

No one cares anymore about their jobs. and it makes the ones of us who cannot find work all the more angry.

Mind you though... the whole work hard to get somewhere?.. whoever came up with that .... has not seen todays economy...

but for some of us.. there is no doing a job half-assed..

So for those looking for a job... I WISH YOU THE BEST

For those hard working people out there who are being made to look bad by the ones who are slacking off.. GOOD LUCK GOOD JOB AND I AM SORRY

And finally for those slacking off... QUIT

Rights

Now tell me if i am stupid or not for this..

It is in this countries best interest to protect offenders rights?

.... I disagree with this... it is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

but on second thought ... Hey its a crime write off.....

I can go do what ever I want to do.... but if i can turn someone else in i get off scott free....

YES

umm no.... this is wrong ... this is stupid...

What the "justice" system is saying... "We can't protect you unless your harasser actually does something." (something is done) "opps sorry our mistake we can't charge her/him because we don't have their last name.. what? they have done this before? and its on record? oh sorry can't touch the record to get the last name because he/she has rights.. and to open that folder to get the last name would be in violation of that persons rights.. "

<< ... >>

even better... "no protection for you..... this person has been proven unstable and has caused you bodily harm. has ripped you open? oh well wait till next time.."

now whats sadder ....

the fact that this is real... or the fact that there are people out there getting away with this sort of thing.

Yes i know that some people are worse out on the street.... but hello... ok seriously what is worse then some punk ass jerk who knows he can get away with stabbing, raping, molesting, abusing, and possibly shooting another person.

What is this justice system coming to? there is no real protection out there. What the public is seeing is that the police really only care about reaching their quota....

Makes me wonder....

HOW BOUT YOU?

More works

Some untitled lost works.

He watches wondering what she wants from him,

He's been hurt by her before,

Now she wants him back?

How could she believe he could take her back?

But he wants to,

He wants things back the way they were,

But what if she does it again?

Could he stand the pain?

Should he stand the pain?

Should he take the love she offers?

And return the love he feels?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Left alone at night

the winds howl

the moon rising

she wanders the halls calling his name,

hoping he will answer her

hoping he can let her rest

for many years he has not answered her

she remembers his promise to her

she remembers her promise to wait

Will he ever come?

Will he ever set her free?

Will she wait for him for eternity?

WHO KNOWS?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He stalks his prey,

Moving stealth like through the trees,

Pausing occasionally for the scent to pick up again,

He stops suddenly and looks up,

He lowers his head putting his ears back,

A soft growl can be heard coming from his throat,

He smells another like him,

"This is my territory... this is my prey" he seems to say,

The other wolf snorts and continues on his way,

The hunt continues.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whats one to do?

I know its been a while but here goes.

You've done the whole what if thing with your life right?

What if your parents had been rich? What if you had done something different....

Yes i know everything happens to get you where you are today. Gets you the children you love.. Gets you the person that makes you happy with your life now..

But....

WHAT IF....

Thats a big question... one that no one can answer...

Yes your told not to dwell on it.. your supposed to be happy with what you have.. but in a way all the what ifs. have affected those involved with the here and now.

People do allot to hurt others... but theres certain things that should just not be done.

Yes i know this is public but.. sometimes someone needs to just get things all out.. whether or not the people involved find out or not. though through most things a not would be nice.

I guess i get so mad at certain things cause i would never do such things to hurt anyone like that.

I do my best to treat everyone with respect and loyalty but problem is i expect the same in return and i know i shouldn't.

I have generally lived with the rule do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

And yes i know not many do but.. meh I keep trying.

And stupid me.. I keep trying to do this as an emotional person....

And I am the one that needs help?

Fine then... but whats one to do when they are being screwed... and theres nothing that can be done. Even if it means the life of someone they love?

32.....

Almost forgot..

Yesterday was my 32 birthday.... for me 31 wasn't a big deal but for some reason 32 seems so much older... wierd how that works eh?

Got a surprising amount of wellwishers... It was great. One that surprised me was my sister Tanya. Maybe there is hope.

I went out for dinner once more with Dave and Barb. David and Lexy joined us... gotta say "The Works".. is a very interesting and unique.

I recommend it for the true burger lover... but have to say... peanut butter??? WTH

STAY SAFE

I found it !!!

Well I found it finally.... I found my old black notes. :D

So for the next few bits i will be entering some of my old work.

Enjoy!

The first one I am entering.. was the one that was published years ago. Sent it in as a weak entry for a poetry contest.

It calls with the voice of the wind,

It soothes with the voice of the sea,

It touches with the caress of the earth,

It moves with the thought of the heart,

It is what is known as love....

Not the best I know but i didn't think it would win.

Next is another sample of a poem of mine.

In the dark of the night as the flames spark and churn,

he sits and watches silent and still,

waiting, watching for the moment the flames die,

so he can make his move

just waiting and watching

watching and waiting....

And another.

Shining tears

Falling fears

Wrestled thoughts

Falling hearts

Ripped souls

Soundless screams

Lost hope

Missing faith

Broken trust

Lost joy

Pained smiles

Hope you liked them. If not meh no hair off of my back.

What does that even mean.....

Hope you have a great day and ..

STAY SAFE

Been a while

I know I know.. It's been some time since I last posted... and as for the story i was working on..

You ever get an idea in your mind but then it kind of slows to a trickle and fades and you sit there staring at it going.... What was I thinking?

Well anyway .. had a disturbing thought lately.. In the past i have had many birthdays that just didn't pan out.. for me birthdays are a way to make that person feel special.. a celebration that shows them (in a non morbid way) that you are happy they are alive and they survived another year. and in these days though ... thats getting to be a bigger deal... don't you think?

well anyway .. i started getting this feeling that yet again i would be disappointed with how things go.. due to lack of funds... growing stress.... but those feelings were shot down ... I now feel this birthday will be special and that yes i am loved....

weird thoughts I know ... but i get that way near my birthday and christmas...

I promise soon i will have some new work for you to read..

Till then

STAY SAFE

Disappointment

You know if you had told me last year at this time i would have found my mother. ... I would have not believed it. I have learned so many truths about my life... many good ones.. and some that just make you stop and think.

It's disappointing how some people will .. well lets say look for a person .. and then once the person is there.. There is no second glance.

It's as if the person just wanted a confirmation that the person they were looking for existed.

In the past year I have found out that

1. My mother is alive

2. I am alot like her.

3. My father is alive

4. I have some of his traits too..

5. My grandmother was alive. I loved her despite the short time we had together. She was a great woman..

6. I share many qualities with her.. minus the shameless flirting of course :D

7. I have too many aunts and uncles to even try to count.... Who have fallen into the background and most i may never see again.. over some stupid little ... side thing.

8. I have 9 siblings... 3 half sisters - Shauna, Tanya, Amanda. Which fight it as I might.. they are my blood and i will always love and protect them.

and 6 step siblings - Khara, Courtney, Andrew, Courtney (another one), William, and Devin

9. To this day I do not talk to any of them.. though for a while Tanya and i did.. And i kind of miss her. It's not that i do not want to talk to them.. its just well Life happens and people let you down or they just don't think you fit into their lives.

10. I have 5 beautiful nieces (Kayliegh, Emma, Kyrsten, Olivia, and Gianna) One nephew whom I haven't seen in soo long Matthew, and apparently another nephew on the way.

11. Once a denying man .. always a denying man.

12. I just recently discovered a stepmother who by choice has decided I have no father. That a man about 32 years ago made a donation. And despite all her actions and words. I decided I don't really hate her. I mean I don't know her and she doesn't know me. But i do not condone any of the interactions made during this past year.

13. I have learnt that I can actually hate a person. And sad to say there are 2 I honestly hate. The sad part is I am not completely able to keep my feelings for these people with those people. I find myself feeling bitter to those whom interact with the two. And for this i am honestly sorry.

14. I have a few cousins I have met over this past year . Eddie and Phil. They are both great men. and good family. Although one is bound by his family ties and I hope some day we can move past the families differences. But the other.. Although we are not tied by blood he has made me feel comfortable to be myself around him and has actually helped me feel that i have family. This may change due to "life" (shocker) but yeah.. its a good feeling.

15. and last but not least ... I have learnt that there is a man out there who loves me very much and has no plans to run out on me. And has made me believe that its possible to be loved and love openly. And to this man I am eternally grateful and I look forward to the life that we share together.

I found my mother last year at the end of april... I have no regrets... since meeting her once more... I learnt most of all.. despite all I have gone through. Life has so much more to offer.. both good and bad.

I'm back!!

It's been a few days i know but i am actually working on a huge story atm and just haven't posted it yet.. there are alot of touch ups i need to do and alot to add. Might be a story I finish. Ooooo

But yeah as I said I might use this to rant a bit. but you know how you have things you need or want to say but you know if a certain person were to get wind of the message they may just not bother to get in contact with you ever again?

Confusing I know but I am sure there are a few of you that would understand. Say for instance one of your parents was not in your life until say .. 20 -25. And of course who doesn't want to get to know or get their parent to know them at some point? Well anyway. Say that parent starts breaking their word.. stops talking so much to you and basically starts acting like they don't want you involved in their life?

Painful yes? well magnify that ten fold.

Then add on the pain of everything else too and its volcano time. but I have to say hiding it all isn't all that hard. especially if you have at least one solid person in your life... a life saver...

ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS : ........... THANK YOU .............

First blog ever!!

Ok yeah I know original eh? Well I was just sitting around and got the urge to write.. Used to get it all the time. I used to have a book but somehow lost track of it.. Shocker eh?

Anyway just warning you some of my writing can get somewhat gruesome and graphic. So if your not able to stand a little blood or mental pictures.. stop reading. Otherwise enjoy. :)

These will probably end up all over the place with rants and just needing to get stuff out. I can probably guarantee you will not like everything.

Lost in the dark eyes wide with wonder,

Hands sliding across the cool emptiness of nothing,

A thump here a painful lurch there,

Stumbling and tripping through the dark room,

The wall cool to the touch seems solid ... seems safe,

Knowledge of the area around seeps back into the fearful mind,

A picture grows within the minds eye drawing back the uncertainty,

Pushing back the fear and leaving room for nothing but the confidence of having something familiar to push forward with.