Merry Christmas

It's Christmas.. Looking around I am alone.. yet again.. Funny how that works. Having my Christmas in a week or two. My dream was always to have a christmas with my kids waking me up on Christmas morning. I have one kid so far but she's with her Dad this year. I miss her so much.

I hope whoever is reading this is with the people they love. Merry Christmas out there, may all your holiday hopes and wishes come true.

memories

You know.. as much as I have gone through for the past... 14 years... it really is nothing compared to what i missed way back then. I was just checking out an old friends pictures. And came across some pictures from when we were in high school. This girl and i were really close friends.. yet i am not in one of the photos .. which isn't really that new but yeah.. because things started the way they did i missed out on so many memories.. like my graduation.. I had to graduate late. and i never got to do the whole graduation thing. And am I bitter.. yes a little bit. but don't i ave a right to be? I missed graduating with my friends.. not to mention becoming involved in things i loved and things that might have changed some outcomes. i know i am happy where i am now but yes there is and always will be some resentment for what was missed. to all those who relied on me back then I apologize and wish nothing but happiness for you and yours.

Christmas

It's strange.. I have my mother back in my life.. I have a new sister who i talk to... still haven't met her in person but she's there. I have other sisters. I have family and friends in my life.. I have my boo.. and yet here is Christmas again and yet again i find myself slipping into that hole that grows everytime this season.. Maybe because i am not lookin foreward to spending yet another christmas by myself.. but i know i have all this around me.. my mood is worse then when i am pmsing... which is bad trust me.. I hear myself being stupid. saying some stupid harmful things and i just can't stop it. i feel bad after they're said. I will get past this feeling .. i know i will there are so many things to look foreward to.. Like spending a whole week with my boo.. just me and her.. its been a long time.. and then my mom commin down for some girls time. just me her and my boo. being able to something i didn't have growing up.. which is great. and i eel lucky i will be able to do these things wit my daughter. some people don't get it.. or take such a thing for granted.. and who knows.. boo may take it for granted as she grows up.. but i wouldn't trade the time for anything in the world. I love my family and i hope that in this time of year they can find the patience to forgive my idiocy...

Male Memories

I was up thinking last night and I realized its been over 10 years since Brad died. It got me thinking of all the other men in my life.

It all started with a guy I didn't even like. I hate to say it but its true. A friend of mine talked me into "going out" with this older guy when I was in the 8th grade. I think he was about 2 or 3 years older then me. He was in the high school next to my school. I gave him a chance though.. really tried to see the good and for about a week it was fine .. He was a great sketch artist. His was the first anime I had ever seen drawn. It impressed me.. but then.. he told me about how his wall had a hole in it. The hole peeked into his brothers room (his brother was in my class) and he liked to watch his brother making out with his girlfriends. The most clear picture I have is him kissing me and me running home to wash out my mouth. I broke up with him through a note i sent via a friend of his. I was hated by a few guys in my class after that. Apparently the guy had locked himself in his room and cried for two days. Not sure if i truly believe that.. but it still made me feel bad.

Next was a guy from Cadets. I wasn't in cadets very long but there was a guy that asked me out and we were together for maybe 3 weeks. I don't remember him much since cadets was pretty much a day or two a week and then there was the whole.. cadets thing.. heh.. Either way he was a good guy ... Come to think about it I don't think we ever broke up.

The next one was one of 2 I will be with but I really want to be with *him* situations. The first one turned out to be my "first" but that came way after we had broken up and became friends. He was the school's playboy.. Not too popular but he was really into becoming a model. I believe there was one ad he did model for. But either way he was the type where he had multiple girlfriends and I knew it.. There were a few girls he made them think they were the only ones.. But to me he was always honest. Not that thats necessarily a good relationship detail but we were good friends. It never really bothered me because it was his friend I was more interested in. But sadly I never got together with the friend.

And TADA the next one is the second I will be with but I really want to be with *him* situation. There were two guys I hung out with. One was 2 years younger and the other 3 years younger then me.. Which yes I know its not that big a deal these days but lets just say I was young as it was. I started seeing the 3 year younger one because he had called me to find out if i liked him. Which i didn't think he was bad.. so silly me said yes. When we were alone or with the other friend. He was sweet calm and just a good guy.. But when he was around younger kids or a large group he was rowdy and very immature. One time we were playing basketball and he grabbed himself and started running around shouting "release the beast" it was very embarrassing and I broke up with him shortly after. He didn't take it well and ended up egging my house. ....

After him it was kind of back with the model.. This is were he ended up being my first. Mistake... we still talked for years afterwards. Up until about 4 - 5 years ago.

That was the year I left home. I moved in with a best friend.. (which turned out to be a huge mistake for many reasons and some dark secrets) I had a few dates with a few guys but nothing really came of them. One even left the place we had met when I started talking to a friend of his. When my friend had gone away and I had to get out of the house. I met Brad. Brad was a great guy. Easy to get along with, fun, smart, sweet. He came from a good family he was studying to be an accountant. He was the first computer geek I ever met let alone dated. He was a well built guy and i felt safe with him.. until he had me walking home at 1 - 2 am. Which wasn't so bad cause it gave me an excuse to avoid certain people at my friends house. But one day I found a letter from a girl who said she couldn't wait to get back to see him. Then a friend of mine told me he was cheating on me and I got angry. I dumped him and did a few "twists" to his BBS profile. A few days later we talked about getting back together after learning the truth on how the girl was just a friend and had already returned and was dating someone else. I felt bad.. and he forgave me.. We just never got together again.. Brad was killed a year or two later. He hadn't dated anyone else but had gotten into drugs and alcohol and was in a car wreck. To this day I still ask what if.. and blame myself a little. But he will always have a spot in my memories.

The next was another friend convincing me to get with someone.. It was a few weeks after dumping Brad. I didn't want to date this new friend.. but i ended up giving in. He reminded me of a cousin of mine so I was a little turned off. And so when I met the next guy I didn't even pause before going out with him.

and for the next 4 and a half years.. I loved this man.. ok i still do but not in the same way. After 4.5 years I saw he was happier spending time with another girl. So I left him so he could be free.. He took it hard and asked me to reconsider after 6 mths. But I knew it wouldn't happen. And sure enough 6 mths later he was married to the other girl. Today they have been married for almost 10 years I think. He has a son and I am happy for him.

That is when I met Boo's dad. I was with him for 6 and a half years. Content to live with him hiding in his room forever. The only good thing that came from that relationship was Boo.

The reason I did this post was because I needed it for myself...

Trust

You know.. back a while ago people trusted other people.. Children trusted their parents. Friends trusted their friends. Family always thought they could rely on family...

But the truth is the mistrust has always been there... Just hidden... For instance when a child learns that the tooth fairy is not real. They sort of grow out of it.. but sometimes the lies parents and families tell are just unbelievable.. they are just too... logical for kids to even consider they are being lied to. Children even adult ones still get lied to. For instance when an estranged parent tries to convince their child that they want to be involved in their life.. That nothing matters more to them. Then either that parent disappears or you get to see them maybe once or twice a year.

Nothing in this world is more aggravating to a child to find out that not only has been lied to all his/her life but the truth is all that much more painful. The child was not wanted in the first place.. Thats fine and dandy to start off with... but to have the salt to the wound of the parent insisting to want to be in that childs life then leaving once more...

I want my daughter to trust me and to trust people around her and to know that she can trust those people... who she should trust. her friends.. her family.. people who want to be there to protect her. I don't want my daughter to grow up to be one of those snooty mistrusting cynical kids out there.

And i know that its the same with any mother to any child out there.. well I guess not any mother.. cause yes there are women out there who have deserted and abandoned their children. and some aren't as ready to be mothers as some men aren't ready to be fathers.. which that parent might not ever grow out of..

I think being a mother to me is loving your child unconditionally, being there for that child no matter the consequences or whether they are right or wrong. I am not talking coddling just being there.. Not saying not to punish.. cause yes if something wrong has happened there should always be a punishment.. but the child should always know that even though they are being punished they are still loved.

Now a days there are mothers who freak out if their child gets dirty or hurt. back when we were kids most of us were told to walk it off.. and how many of us at one point or another got sprayed down with a hose... Skin is there for a reason. To help protect.. if your child is kept sanitized... they will become sick more often due to lack of immunities. but there is a limit to how dirty a child should be. But never underestimate the power of a good hosing. ;)

another thought...

Well learnt something really specific about my daughter yesterday.

When a child is afraid of objects that move and make noise.... ease them into 3D movies.

heh.. opps... But on the bright side she did adjust to it after screaming and crying saying she wanted to go home.. By the end of the movie she was in great spirits.

BTW

Tangled is a great movie.. some violence which is quickly covered by some comedy.

A question for you parents out there.

How do you stop a kid from getting up 4 - 5 times a night? I have been told that boo only has bad dreams. She apparently has no good dreams. I think she just remembers the bad ones more. But yes wither way.. she gets up alot to come wake me up ... she's fine when i put her back to bed but 5 min to an hour later she's back. and when the sun starts coming up... good luck putting her down at all.

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On another note.

Had to recently make my facebook profile more private. I recently received two letters from two different men asking me for details about myself and saying they thought i was beautiful and really laying it on thick. Kind of creeped me out. As far as I understand it Facebook is not a dating service.. yes its fine if you want to talk but there is a line that you just don't cross. It's strange though. How even over a computer screen a person might not feel totally safe.

5 years

5 years... Its almost unbelievable that its been just 5 years or even thats its been 5 years. If your my age you look at it as nothing but when you have a child and watch how they grow within 5 years its ... indescribable.

5 years ago today i went into the hospital to be induced. 3 days later at 7:30 am I went into labour. 30 minutes after that my booga was born.

Over the years my pride for my clever, silly monkey has not wavered and has grown, from the time she mooned the doctor during an ultrasound til today when she told a little girl proudly that she was turning 5 on wed.
although her sense of humor is pretty much .... insane. she does love to make people laugh and smile.

I could have never imagined a better person then the sweet, caring, kind, generous, crazy little girl I get to call my daughter.

Sappy I know. But ya know what i say to that? :P ppbbbbbbbttttt

I just feel sorry for the people who could be in her life but chose not to.
Your missing out.

Trust me!